Here are a few tips and tactics to help you get the most out of your night/evening/day out at your favorite saloon. Though most people are familiar with the “basics” it never ceases to amaze us how many of you forget these simple rules. Do yourself and most importantly everyone else that you are sharing bars with a favor and remember a few things that are must for optimal drinking enjoyment:
- It doesn’t matter if you are going out to a hot new locale for the first time (that hopefully you read about on here) or your old standby neighborhood dive, if you go out on a Friday or Saturday night any bar that is worth a shit is going to be packed at or near capacity and extremely busy. Don’t expect to be treated like royalty and that the mass of people will part upon your arrival. Don’t expect the door person to remember you and the easiest way to ruin your night is to give the person who has the ultimate power to let you in or not shit about it. DO be prepared to wait a minute or two for service and to use the bathroom. You can expect an even lengthier wait for your song to play on the jukebox, a pool table to open up or to find a place to rest your weary ass. Take it in stride and enjoy your surroundings. No point in getting worked up; no one likes an angry drunk.
- If you can’t afford to tip your bartenders and wait staff, it is time to go home. If beers are $4 and you can’t even muster up at least a $1 tip, hit the road and pickup a 40. The better you tip, the more the staff will A) remember you and B) want to serve you. Normal restaurant rules for tipping don’t apply at a bar. A $2 tip on a $25 order is bad karma and bad etiquette.
- DON’T snap your fingers, shout or complain to the person next to you about the service. No one cares and it makes you like a dick/bitch. Most importantly don’t touch the staff; this is the fastest way to get tossed out and beat down by a bouncer that is A) sober and B) paid to do this job because they are a bad ass. Just because you and your friends are drunk doesn’t mean that you can “take them”.
- IF you must complain about a drink apologize for having to bother them and have a legitimate reason for doing so. Remember even if you don’t mean to be a dick and you do have a legitimate reason for complaining, you are basically going to be calling out your bartender and telling them they suck at their job in front of a lot of people. You can’t return drinks like you can return clothes and unless you find a live roach or part of a finger floating in your Martini asking for a discount or a freebie is no-no.
- Fellas: No means no. Take a hint and move on. Just because being doggedly persistent managed to actually get you laid on New Years Eve of 2003 doesn’t mean it is going to work again. In fact I can guarantee it isn’t going to work. Buying a woman a drink or letting her cut in front of you at the bar doesn’t obligate them to thank you, let alone give you free reign to be an annoying prick all night; it just makes you an idiot for thinking such things. Remember if push comes to shove you are going to get thrown out and accosted by security and other bar patrons. NO one is going to believe for a minute that petite little thing you were trying to work your moves on called you a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush and then broke your left foot with her stiletto heels. Man up and go home pussy.
- Ladies: if you want him to go away and nice doesn’t work the first time be direct and be forceful. It is already imprinted in our psyches that sometimes no means, maybe, yes or god knows what else. Lie if you have to but the more blunt you are the less likely he is to come back. You should by no means go from zero to bitch right off the bat as you will find a simple no thank you will work most of the time. But if the same drunk dude is coming over for a third pass to stare down your shirt and pull out his “best move” don’t be afraid to let out your inner demon. Bouncers and other patrons are almost always going to be on your side.
- THE BAR IS CLOSED means just that; get the fuck out. If you were too stupid or too drunk and waited until the last minute to hook up the digits no one cares. Get out of the bar and take care of any last minute business outside. More than anything else the staff of any bar just wants to go home. They are tired, have lives/families of their own and do not have easy jobs. Most importantly they are sober as a mule and had to deal with your drunken ass all night; give them a break.
- DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT order a Bloody Mary in a busy bar and especially not on a Friday or Saturday night. Even if we tell you that a certain place makes a really good one this is not the time. You will look like a douche bag/dumb bitch if you ask for one at 11PM on a Saturday. Understand that a good Bloody Mary is something to be savored and a bartender that makes a really good one will put a lot of time and effort into doing so. Ordering one in a bar that is hopping will assure that people will look at you funny and that the bartender didn’t have the time to make you anything more than a vodka tomato juice combo with a piece of celery sticking out of it. Bloody Marys are a good sipping, hair of the dog, day drinking, sitting down for a good brunch type of drink.
- One final note. The purveyors of this blog in no way shape or form condone or encourage drunk driving. Thanks to Sheriff Joe, Arizona has some of the toughest DUI laws in the entire nation and trust us when we say that you don’t ever want to know for yourselves what the inside of tent city is like. IF you are too wasted to drive, call a cab. If you drink in and around the same areas, night in and night out find a cab driver you like and take his card. Just like bartenders, cabbies are not opposed to regular and repeat customers. And also just like bartenders show a little heart and toss the guy/gal a few extra bucks. Not only are they hard workers trying to scratch out a living, but they have just saved you (at the minimum) from possible incarceration and the hands of local law enforcement; the worst case scenario is that they very well may have just save your life. Now don’t you think that is worth more than 20%?
Let us know!
Thanks for reading and happy drinking!
-the LDofLC Staff
